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Working on Myself Pt. 2 - Stuck in a Circle

Continuing this thread of self-analysis.

I changed "dealing with myself" to "working on myself" to be less deprecating. A philosophy of stoicism is to never talk poorly about yourself. I'm yet to find a better way through life than stoicism - the more I try it, the better I feel. Taoism is also pretty cool.

The motivation to write today's blog post came from an emotionally rainy day (I was sad). Before writing this, I wondered what my intentions were - other than orchestrating the clutter in my head. Part of me feels I could help someone by sharing personal information - and the other feels like it helps me feel seen and understood. Both are probably right.

If my thoughts and ideas were meant just for me, I could write them down privately in a journal - my guess is it wouldn't turn out as good. I appreciate knowing this will end up in your hands, being read by your eyes. I want to write something you will enjoy. Receiving feedback and being kept in check by my peers is essential - who knows who I would be without you!

I find writing to be exceptionally thrilling. Constructing sentences and articulating ideas is quite the challenge. I wouldn't want to keep my words to myself if others agree that I have talent and enjoy reading what I write - my guess is that's everyone's main motivation to do anything.

Today's Topic of Discussion: Stuck in a Circle

For November, I made myself a checklist in a journal. It went something like:

  1. Finish Album

  2. Publish Book

  3. Record Podcast

  4. Update Website

  5. Learn irrigation

  6. make YouTube Video

  7. Learn language

  8. Learn instrument

I'm halfway through the month and it's not looking good.

It rained today and I decided to play video games - again. I played for more than a few hours and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to sell my PS4 and never play again. In my last game, I was getting destroyed by my opponents and could have easily thrown my controller against the wall. I began counting all the lost time spent playing a video game I wasn't enjoying and the negative thoughts began flowing.

After I stopped playing, I made a song new song called "Timeless" about a hypothetical girl I loved and admired, and the dynamics of our relationship. I thought it was really good, after it was done I listened to it in my headphones about 5 times before sending it to my friends, hoping they might also enjoy it. and was ready to put it on the album - until some time passed and I received feedback from one of my friends. He said the chorus could be better, and it could be shorter. I listened to the song again on my phone and hated it. The vocals were trash, the flow was off, and it sounded like a different song. I was honestly embarrassed I had sent it.

I began doing some stretching and tried playing some music that I could relax to. My usual picks were not doing the trick so I stretched in silence.

After I was done, I searched for something to soothe the uneasy feeling in my heart about the lost time. After considering a few options, I sat down on my computer and began typing. I ended up falling asleep while typing, but by that time I felt much better.

I listened to it again the following morning and enjoyed listening to it again. He was right, I need to make a better chorus and shorten it. I went ahead and posted the draft on SoundCloud so you could listen :)

The temptation to join my friends in virtual battle has led me to fall behind on my offerings to the world - a sad truth. Moderation could be the answer, but total sobriety sounds like the best route. What would Marcus Aurelias do...?

I had a silly idea that each day I would roll a dice to see how many vices I would allow myself. For example: if I rolled a 5, that day I could play video games, smoke weed, drink beer, jerk off, and have caffeine. If I rolled a 2, I would get to choose any two and proceed. I think we can all agree that leaving dilemmas to fate can be liberating.

The Circle:

Finding yourself back where you started after feeling like progress was made - a defeating feeling to say the least.

The truth is, we aren't back where we started, even when it feels so familiar. Despite arriving at the same place, the difference is the changes in ourselves.

Let's imagine we are lost in the woods. We walked for an hour and found ourselves back where we started. At least now, we know what not to do. "last time we walked this way, now let's try going that way" until we are out of the woods and home safe.

It's not a circle, it's a spiral.

Which direction is that spiral going?

That is up to you :)

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